Teachers' Pensions Strike

There may or may not be huge disruption in Britain's schools tomorrow, but the fundamental question remains the same:

How much should the taxpayer have to pay to fund teachers' pensions?

The answer is either:

a) The same as they do now, gradually increasing each year as we all live longer and more therefore claim more years of pension. This is fair because it is part of a teacher's remuneration for a job that has become far harder in recent years due to increased workload and ever increasing numbers of badly behaved pupils.

or

b) Less than they do now, but still gradually rising year on year as we live longer. This is fair because people in the private sector are not allowed pensions with such generous taxpayer funding and teachers' pay has increased substantially in recent years.

a) or b) What do you reckon?

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The Chalk Diet

If you drink a litre of cold water each day (say 2 almost full pint glasses), then your body expends energy to raise the temperature of this liquid to 37 degrees centigrade. 1 Calorie is the amount of energy required to raise a litre of water by 1 degree, so if we assume that tap water is at 8 degrees (as a year round average) then (37-8) = 29 calories of energy will be used by your body each day or 10585 calories in a year. (Purists please forgive me here- I know there are two different units called the calorie, but I'm using the same one throughout to keep things simple).

A gramme of fat gives up 9 calories when burnt, so you can lose 1.176 kilogrammes per year. This might not sound much, but think of it as just under two stones per decade.

Alternatively you could eat an extra 21 Big Macs every year without a second thought.

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Sales of Gadgets Down

Argos has reported that sales of electronic gadgets are down 20%. Comet and Dixons are likely to issue similar figures. Have we finally come to our senses and realised that purchasing these shiny things does not instantly transform us into the happy, confident, good looking people shown on the adverts?

Or are we simply having to save more for our annual summer holiday instead?

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University of Wales

Britain's Universities have a very high reputation overseas (presumably because when Johnny Foreigner thinks about them, he has the dreaming spires of Oxford and Cambridge in mind, rather than some of the comedy institutions recently set up.)

However if we follow the University of Wales' lead and keep on 'externally validating' degrees from Bible Colleges and Bangkok Massage Parlours, then our image will change from Rolls Royce to Austin Allegro faster than you can say 'Simon Le Bon'.

I love the bit in the BBC article where the bloke from the University of Wales who was sent out to Bangkok to have a look around, says he can't even remember being there! It certainly is an amazing city.

It makes you wonder how many other dubious institutions are having their 'Degrees' approved by British Unis. I might make an FOI request for a list... (or better still, set up a college somewhere exotic).

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Crime Rates Fall?

The FBI claim that crime rates in America have been falling for the last 20 years and current rates of robbery and murder are less than half of what they were back then. British figures also show a drop in crime over the same period.

There are many explanations for this and none is universally accepted. Here are a few:

1) The figures are massaged by the Government, ie a burglar breaks into 8 flats in a block or vandalises 15 cars parked in a line and it is reported as one single crime. Offences can also be reclassified, resulting in a drop in certain ones, which can then be applauded.

2) Better policing through increased computerisation, for example constantly updated databases showing which areas of a city currently have high levels of crime leads to more efficient patrolling.

3) Personal wealth has steadily increased on average whilst material possessions are cheaper than ever before. Combine this with the increased difficulty in selling stolen ones due to more common use of security measures such as password protection and invisible marking, along with more easily available credit. It has simply become easier to wave a credit card to buy a shiny gadget than to mug someone.

4) Both Britain and the US have more criminals behind bars than ever before. If they are in jail then they can't commit crimes.

5) New technology such as DNA databases and CCTV along with a general improvement in forensic techniques.

6) Crime rates simply follow a cyclical pattern pretty much like the economy does. When crime is high and we hear about it on the news every night, the general population become more vigilant and take more care to secure their property and possessions, leading to a drop. Then when crime becomes much rarer and we keep hearing that rates are low then we become careless and it starts to rise again.

7) People have more cheap entertainment to occupy themselves. Maybe potential criminals are too busy playing computer games or babbling on Facebook. Why steal a car when you can play Grand Theft Auto?

8) The increasingly short attention span of modern youth means that young muggers are simply not prepared to put in the necessary hours hanging about the streets waiting for a potential victim. Kids nowadays are used to central heating and do not cope well with the cold and wet conditions that are part and parcel of the street hood's life. The declining physical fitness of the young may also prevent them from running away if pursued by an angry OAP.

There's loads of other explanations and you should feel free to add your own.

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Greece

George Osborne, do you hear me? Make sure you have cut every financial tie that could possibly bind us to Greece. The place is just a hot version of Scotland and will never be more than a plate's throw from bankruptcy. Frankly, you'd be better off sending all our bank details to Nigeria.

If there are still 17 members of the Eurozone by the end of the year then I will eat my new telephone.

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US Visa and Mobile Phone

In the past few days I have seen my phone run over by a truck and successfully applied for an ESTA (Electronic System for Travel Arrangements) visa which you need to travel to the USA.

Having my phone squashed brought home to me how dependant we have all become on these little devices, bearing in mind that fifteen years ago nobody had one. I am ashamed to say that I was in quite a panic and did not experience a feeling of liberation that nobody could phone me up to complain about Chalk Services Inc. I suppose we forget that the downside of having such a useful gadget is the nightmare when it is taken away from us. It did disturb me how worried I became thinking that perhaps somebody was trying to contact me about some important matter.

It was entirely my own fault; I was standing in a garage forecourt blathering happily to a friend and noticed the petrol delivery tanker was arriving. We picked up our bags and moved away but I somehow dropped my phone in the process and only noticed when I heard a crackling sound from the vehicle's front tyre as it passed us. The driver then refused to move forward slightly so that I could recover the remains to see if the SIM card and any memory chips were still intact, so I had to wait until he had finished his business before scooping up my electronic pizza into a borrowed plastic bag much to the amusement of the garage staff.

I phoned up Orange (from another phone rather than my comically flat one) and was offered a replacement at only twice the price that they can be purchased from Ebay. I was also told by the customer services lady that I could leave my contract for an even more outrageous sum before being offered the chance to buy phone insurance at a discount! I could't resist pointing out that it ought to be discounted, as my phone probably wasn't worth much, being currently one foot square and one millimetre thick.

As far as the ESTA was concerned, I have to admit that I did pause for a while before ticking the box to claim that I had not engaged in 'moral turpitude' but had no hesitation in denying any involvement in the Nazi Party between 1933 and 1945. I paid the $14 fee reluctantly, but was cheered to later discover that $10 of this goes towards a fund to promote tourism to the US. I'm sure that I can't be the first person to wonder whether they could do a better job of encouraging it simply by not charging me to go there.

Still at least they take their Border Security a bit more seriously than we do.

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