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Wednesday, 4 February 2009

Snow Joke

Posted on 00:25 by Unknown
The newspapers are busy calling for the mass hanging of teachers whose schools were closed yesterday. Lynch mobs are to be formed in all major cities according to this article.

Normally you'd expect me to be siding with the Snowfall Deniers and ranting about bone idle lazy lumps who can't be bothered to get out of bed, weak Headmasters cowering under their desks at the sight of the first snowflake or the rise in mass disability amongst UK residents which prevents them from walking a few miles.

Teachers of course don't decide whether their school is closed or not. Usually the Head does, or in some cases the Local Education Authority steps in and decides to shut all the schools in their area.

Whoever makes the decision however, is caught between a Rock and the Deep Blue Sea. If they keep the school open, somebody is bound to slip or get hit by a snowball and feel duty bound to try and sue the school or LEA. You could also very easily end up with the nightmare situation of 220 kids and three teachers (as many of the teachers live miles from the school) so with the rules about numbers of staff per child you might have to send them all back home again. Then you've got the possibility of road accidents which a solicitor would argue were partly due to you telling people to come in when the emergency services had advised everyone not to make any journey that was not 'absolutely essential'.

(Incidentally the only regret I have about not rising up the promotion ladder to become a Head was that I missed the opportunity to ban snowballing, or to send the kids out wearing protective goggles from the Science Lab. I would then phone up one of the papers pretending to be a parent outraged at this 'Nanny State' behaviour and send in some photos and a short video. Imagine the fun of peddling a justification and hyping up my safety concerns about the chemicals in frozen rainwater to some gullible reporter.)

Anyway, if on the other hand they close the school, then a barrage of abuse must be faced. Some parents will be annoyed because they have to go to work and take their child with them (which might be difficult if you are a Policeman or a roped access Window Cleaner). Others will be cross because their viewing of daytime TV will be disturbed and quite a few will be enraged because a newspaper or newsreader has told them to be.

There's no easy answer and in my opinion we should simply accept a couple of days disruption every decade rather than spending a fortune on the infrastructure needed to cope with these events properly.

And let's face it; if we have lost the ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of a day's messing about in the snow then we really are in trouble...
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Tuesday, 3 February 2009

Snow

Posted on 04:06 by Unknown
Chalk Enterprises sent out an email to all our customers yesterday, assuring them that the recent snowfalls would not affect the service they receive in any way. This proved to be an excellent idea, as many were completely unaware that they received any service in the first place.

Meanwhile the BBC have reported that schools are not doing enough for their best pupils. The truth is that many State Schools massively let down the top and bottom ends of their intake. All their resources, including the best teachers; are concentrated on the kids who are on the C/D borderline at GCSE because that is what affects the school's position in the League Tables.

Incidently, the reason why the tables matter to schools is that the higher up you are, the more nice kids you get applying and the less chance of getting swamped with the grot.
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Tuesday, 27 January 2009

Chav Free Holidays

Posted on 11:45 by Unknown
No danger of some foul mouthed wretch spoiling my hard earned vacation, for I am booking a Chav Free Holiday

For those of you who are not used to BBCSpeak, the phrase:

Activities Abroad made use of research suggesting certain names are often associated with particular demographic segments of the UK population translates as:

'Everyone knows that Shazney is an unemployable petty criminal who will cost the State a fortune over the course of her lifetime'

Candice is not very happy and neatly proves that most stereotypes are correct (otherwise they wouldn't become stereotypes) by proudly declaring her posession of a 'Diploma in Life Skills'. The Nobel Prize Comittee must be on red alert...

Director Alistair McLean could show your average Headmaster a thing or two. Did he immediately apologise, grovel and beg for forgiveness when complaints were made about his actions? Of course he didn't.

You will be relieved to know that Chalk Enterprises has always had a Chav Free policy. All companies that deal with us have to supply a list of their employees' first names for approval and as founder members of the Wayneforest Alliance we immediately consign any job applications from incorrectly named applicants straight to the bin. By 2011 we hope to be Chardon Neutral as well.

However, we are of course Geeko Friendly, so anybody turning up for interview who can discuss Occam's Razor, Maxwell's Equations or General Relativity is pretty much assured of a job.
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Monday, 26 January 2009

Congratulations

Posted on 14:14 by Unknown
Paul Fernandez is one teacher who has obviously taken on board the Government's constant urgings to entertain pupils.

A 2 Hours 50 Marathon dressed as a clown is a very impressive effort but the question that has been bothering me this evening is:

Which will he run fastest in? Clown or Santa outfit.

We will keep an eye on him and I can see a few bets being placed...
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Richard Rose Academy

Posted on 13:24 by Unknown
I can't work out what's going on at Richard Rose Academy. The parents are apparently up in arms about the leadership and the teachers are threatening to go on strike. Even the kids seem to be protesting (I would have loved to have been allowed to do that at school)

The parents are cross because of the shortage of teachers (just like at any other sink school) and the poor exam results (ditto) They are also not happy with the Head who has excluded (ie given short holidays to) about 10% of their offspring. None have actually been expelled. I'd say that in most bad schools the worst behaved ten percent of kids ought to be taken away (in chains) and taught in Borstal style secure establishments. Saying anything like that in teaching circles is of course forbidden and will usually trigger bouts of hand wringing and much fluttering of the Guardian.

There's a few other articles related to this school on the BBC Website, but none of them really say why the teachers or pupils are upset.
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