Lamb to the Slaughter

Headmistress Andrea Charman decided to teach her kids where their food comes from. They bought a lamb, the kids helped rear it and then sent it off to be made into chops.

That should have been the end of it, but unfortunately some of the local parents went mad and launched a campaign of hate using the networking site for Social Inadequates, Facebook. This obviously got to the poor woman and now she has resigned.

I still can't quite believe that the whole story isn't some elaborate hoax, but sadly it doesn't appear to be.

Result: Nutters 1 - Perfectly good Head 0

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Ali Dizaei

Ali 'Crook in Uniform' Dizaei very clearly demonstrated the effects of a policy that promotes people because their ethnicity ticks the correct box rather than because they are the best person for the job.

A Government spokesman has today confirmed that they have no intention of learning from this episode and intend to repeat it as quickly as possible.

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Come on then...

As you can see from this BBC article, we are in desperate need of more violence in schools, preferably carried out by ourselves.

The Association of Teachers and Lecturers, one of the 5764 teaching unions, has sensibly called for teachers to be trained in what they can and cannot do to restrain violent pupils. Unfortunately, I've been on one of these courses and it was an utter joke. We were even told not to resist when practising on each other because of the possible risk of injury.

Anyone who has studied judo for more than 5 minutes would realise two things:

Firstly, none of the locks we were shown would have worked with anyone who was not totally compliant. For some reason, violent people usually aren't.

Secondly, it takes an awful lot of practice to get them right without looking a complete idiot or hurting someone. A half day's course consisting mainly of blather about 'diffusing situations' does not turn you into a combination of Bruce Lee and Bill Clinton.

Not to worry though; the National Association of Head Teachers would prefer us to get a good kicking and the Department for Children, Schools and Families say that behaviour is much better now, so there's nothing to worry about.

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Paid Links

Keen eyed readers will no doubt have noticed that the ten spaces for paid links on the right side of this blog are now full, so once somebody else comes along with a higher bid, then the site in tenth place will disappear.

On the other hand, maybe one of the current top ten might want to increase their donation in order to keep out of the relegation zone. Remember it's the total amount that counts, so I suppose that even a site which has fallen off the bottom could stage a comeback with a timely gift.

Who knows what will happen? I'm sure I'm not the only one who can barely sleep at night with all the excitement. Mrs C says that it's the most fun she's had since we started betting on the pictures behind the doors in last year's Advent Calender.

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Olive

I'm not religious at all, but when I think of some of the utter buffoons that are happily doing Supply teaching up and down the country, it seems a bit mad to throw out poor Olive just because she offered to say a few prayers for a sick child and maybe went on a bit about miracles.


I wouldn't have sacked her even if she was practising voodoo, chanting incantations and throwing bones up into the air whilst dancing starkers around a fire. I'd only get rid of her if she was rubbish at teaching, was always off and couldn't make the kids behave. Oh sorry, that's a daft idea.

Anyway, she's been allowed back now

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They say hard work never killed anyone but...

Whenever two or more teachers gather together, the talk invariably revolves around how much work they do, how late into the night they stay up planning things and how they slave away at weekends and during the holidays as well.

This is all very good if you are managing a hedge fund and looking to retire to Barbados by the time you are 29, but not really worth it when your salary is less than £30k.

It won't surprise you to learn that I never did very much work at all, as I had a wide range of interests outside school to devote my evenings, weekends and holidays to. It may surprise you that the exam results my pupils got were around average for my department. This was partly because I knew about my subject, partly because I knew what was important to pass exams and partly because the department was rubbish.

Most of the work that teachers do is a complete waste of time. Ticking boxes, target setting, elaborate schemes to follow the latest fad, whether it is differentiated learning, group mind mapping or whatever. None of it inspires the kids or helps them get a job. Get yourself an interesting hobby instead.

Working too hard and getting stressed simply isn't worth the effects to your health (and it also makes you a thoroughly boring person). Overdoing it and taking two weeks off sick every year is no better for the pupils than my approach of doing very little but turning up every day.

It is an old adage that nobody ever says on their deathbed "I wish I'd spent more time in the office!" Take this to heart, write it on your classroom wall and make it your aim this week to ignore at least one supposedly vital task that has been set by those above you. Use the time saved to do something you enjoy and if you do get pulled up about it, just say that you were too busy doing (insert fashionable phrase or buzzword) and look a bit flustered. Next time, try and persuade a few others to do the same.

(Remember, the Martyr Ethos that is so prevalent in teaching nowadays just helps you die earlier)

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Hey Pesto!

Does anybody else think that there could be a market for shorter spaghetti?

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